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And Don’t You Ever Forget!

cute-bottom

The newlyweds are on their first night of their honeymoon and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, “Put those on.”

The bride replies, “I can’t wear your trousers.”

He replies, “And don’t forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!”

The bride takes off her panties and throws them at him with the same request, “Try those on!”

He replies,”I can’t get into your panties!”

“And you never will if you don’t change your attitude.”

 

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Twins

twins

Dan married one of a pair of identical twins. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce.

“OK,” the judge said, “Tell the court why you want a divorce.”

“Well, your honor,” Dan started, “Every once in a while my sister in law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I`d end up making love to her by mistake.”

“Surely there must be some difference between the two women.” the judge said.

“You`d better believe there is a difference, your honor. That`s why I want the divorce.” he replied.

 

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Top 10 Things I Learned From My Patients

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1) Never, ever leave flashlights, beer bottles or any other long, circular object on the floor because someday you will fall on it… and it will somehow impale its way up your rectum.

2) Always do woodwork with your skillsaw before using meth.

3) White latex paint, despite being luxuriously thick and creamy, does not coat your stomach and provide relief like pepto bismol does.

4) If you have taken 7 home pregnancy tests, and they’re all positive, when you come into the emergency department… chances are our test will come back positive too.

5) If you are given a prescription for narcotics, at least have the courtesy of leaving the lobby before you try to sell the pillz.

6) Drinking diluted Pine Sol with 5 friends is not a good way to get drunk.

7) When attempting self-circumcision, do not use dry ice to numb the area. As a corollary, when the dry ice sticks to your parts, do not attempt to remove it with boiling water.

8) When stealing a prescription pad, please fill it out correctly before turning it into the pharmacy. They know something’s up when you write for “1.2 pounds of morfeen x 1000 refills”

9) Carefully weigh your options before inserting a toilet brush wrapped in duct tape and saran wrap into your rectum and breaking off the handle. There are better ways to spend your Saturday afternoon.

10) When your 15 year old daughter gives birth to a bleating, underweight infant 30 minutes after presenting with “gas pain”, try not to run around the ED loudly proclaiming, “I don’t know what y’all did or who that baby is, but my lil’ girl warn’t pregnant when she come in here!”

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Southern Contracting - A/C - Heat - Refrigeration - Maintenance - Serving Greater New Orleans Area

A Very Horny Rooster

horny-rooster

A farmer buys a young rooster. As soon as it comes to the farmhouse, it rushes and services all 150 hens. The farmer is very impressed.

At lunch, the rooster again services all 150 hens. The farmer is starting to get a bit worried now.

Next day he finds the rooster servicing all the ducks and geese too!!

Now the farmer knows he has a serious problem!

Later, he finds the rooster lying pale, half-dead and vultures circling over its head.

The farmer shouts “You stupid horny rooster! You deserve this!”

The rooster opens one eye, points up and says “Shhhh! Not so loud they’re fixing to land”

 

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